its been so long since i felt that feeling... i just remembered and it gave me chills thinking about that night on the beach.
where did you go?
what happened ...?
i feel like im in a cardboard box.........
where is that dangerous energy that used to flow through my body constantly wanting excitement and craziness
i miss that more then anything i have ever missed before in my life
im being held down and i can't fly
and i can't breathe
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Thursday, December 2, 2010
cold/mussies/things that i like
today i am cold
i have brown hair
its about 40 degrees, and its about time now that i start looking into getting a ski mask. my nose turns cold in the outside now.
the catch is about it here, is that it is the holidays soon, and i want to be with family. also, the snow on thanksgiving morning was really exciting.
i wish that warm weathers places had things like craft and paintings everywhere like the city.
maybe i guess they do i just hav't fond the right warm.
men are so amazing. i love when they do manly things like show off mussies, and make grunting sounds when they are doing something hard. it is so magical that whenever something happens like that is manly, i automatically feel really happy and content with life. all day i love thinking about men lifting wood and chopping it, shirtless.
things that i like:
1. laying in the sunny spot on my bed, then my boyfriend comes home and gives hug wearing a hardhat and muddy boots and dirt
2. fantasize that at work my boyfriend is shirtless with other men and they make sounds that are manly while lifting things and talking about how manly they are
3. pretending that i have a couch with purple stripes in the corner hiding with a bookshelf and a sewing machine and flowers on the walls hidnig by fuscia curtains with sequens and bean bag chair
4. looking in dumpsters for hidden gems that i can make pretty and put in my house or sell
5. eating things off peoples plates that i bus when they are done
6. thinking about going out west and going on adventures in the desert, and mountains
7. fire hula hoop
8. think about how men panic when something dramatic happens, and how they frantically get on the scene flustered and take care of the problem so you don't have to.
9. crochet and making clothes
10. smearing period blood on the wall and making designs
i have brown hair
its about 40 degrees, and its about time now that i start looking into getting a ski mask. my nose turns cold in the outside now.
the catch is about it here, is that it is the holidays soon, and i want to be with family. also, the snow on thanksgiving morning was really exciting.
i wish that warm weathers places had things like craft and paintings everywhere like the city.
maybe i guess they do i just hav't fond the right warm.
men are so amazing. i love when they do manly things like show off mussies, and make grunting sounds when they are doing something hard. it is so magical that whenever something happens like that is manly, i automatically feel really happy and content with life. all day i love thinking about men lifting wood and chopping it, shirtless.
things that i like:
1. laying in the sunny spot on my bed, then my boyfriend comes home and gives hug wearing a hardhat and muddy boots and dirt
2. fantasize that at work my boyfriend is shirtless with other men and they make sounds that are manly while lifting things and talking about how manly they are
3. pretending that i have a couch with purple stripes in the corner hiding with a bookshelf and a sewing machine and flowers on the walls hidnig by fuscia curtains with sequens and bean bag chair
4. looking in dumpsters for hidden gems that i can make pretty and put in my house or sell
5. eating things off peoples plates that i bus when they are done
6. thinking about going out west and going on adventures in the desert, and mountains
7. fire hula hoop
8. think about how men panic when something dramatic happens, and how they frantically get on the scene flustered and take care of the problem so you don't have to.
9. crochet and making clothes
10. smearing period blood on the wall and making designs
Thursday, November 11, 2010
i guess in this last year things have taken a turn for the worst, and then comming around full circle again for the bette.r
i can't really say that things have been bad, its just like... i was working full time and drinking a lot :(
i really feel like this is not good for peoples minds or bodies, and i noticed that i was just doing it because i thought it was the normal thing to do, which ive noticed is very very dangours.
i am grateful for the money i made and it allowed to buy house, and car. those were the positives taht came out, and discovering philadelphia as a new city to me, something that i can live in and have fun, not just come down to party or for the day. i am very content and happy right now, something ihavn't felt in a long time, and "stable". i noticed that doing things i like, versus doing things i have to do make me feel a lot better at the end of the day, even if it isn't as profitable. its very interesting because you would think that these things are obvoius, which they are, but i feel i had a hard time actually putting into practice these ideas. either it was complelty workign full time, or not working at all . this balance is wonderful. part time working that doesn't involve a lot of repsonsibility is pretty much the way to go.
i realized also, that the word "crazy" is a nice way to describe my actions and philosophys.
i stopped caring about what i "could" do, regretting what i "could have" done.. and now focus on my daily accomplishments however tiny they may seem and congradulate myself for making dinner, cleaning up the house, picking up fall leaves, taking walk, or finishing crocheting a hat. I like trying everyday to make someone happy, or do something for someone else, and myself, then i feel like it was a good day.
i noticed that i am not really interested in things that are mainstream. i wonder usually what mainstream actually is, does it mean things that are on tv, and media and these are the things that we are taught to think are what we should be buying and listening to? it seems to me like tv, is , really horrifying. i wasn't really aware of how many people watched it, but upon meeting more people in the city and asking them about tv, i noticed that pretty much everyone goes home and watches it after they are done work and becomes obssessed with shows and put things on hold in the lives in order to watch it. i wonder, what comes out of watching tv that is a charge or high? i think that sometimes it is fun to watch a movie and consider taking outon the adventure that the charector was doing in the movie. but i can't imagine actually just sitting for hours and hours and watching sometthing taht ou are no partaking in.
it is curous that words and sounds form together to make words. like each little thing that i press has a meaning, and a sound that you say when it is on the screen or paper.
i wonder why people have prejudice again'st people that have different ways to say things, different languages, its really just a different art. ive been thinking about that a lot lately because i noticed that sometimes there is strange feelings people get about "religons" being different from theirs.. and it is strange to me because it is all the same thing, it just has a different name because someone likes to turn their pen a different way when they write it out.
ive been learning briefly about religous groups burning "witches" in times past. i wonder why they did that, i wonder why they thought that it was a bad thing. i wonder if these women actuall did anything that was morally wrong, or if they were just practicing making medicines with herbs, or healing people and then these men and women got jealous of them because they coudln't do it ? what was that all about?
i can't really say that things have been bad, its just like... i was working full time and drinking a lot :(
i really feel like this is not good for peoples minds or bodies, and i noticed that i was just doing it because i thought it was the normal thing to do, which ive noticed is very very dangours.
i am grateful for the money i made and it allowed to buy house, and car. those were the positives taht came out, and discovering philadelphia as a new city to me, something that i can live in and have fun, not just come down to party or for the day. i am very content and happy right now, something ihavn't felt in a long time, and "stable". i noticed that doing things i like, versus doing things i have to do make me feel a lot better at the end of the day, even if it isn't as profitable. its very interesting because you would think that these things are obvoius, which they are, but i feel i had a hard time actually putting into practice these ideas. either it was complelty workign full time, or not working at all . this balance is wonderful. part time working that doesn't involve a lot of repsonsibility is pretty much the way to go.
i realized also, that the word "crazy" is a nice way to describe my actions and philosophys.
i stopped caring about what i "could" do, regretting what i "could have" done.. and now focus on my daily accomplishments however tiny they may seem and congradulate myself for making dinner, cleaning up the house, picking up fall leaves, taking walk, or finishing crocheting a hat. I like trying everyday to make someone happy, or do something for someone else, and myself, then i feel like it was a good day.
i noticed that i am not really interested in things that are mainstream. i wonder usually what mainstream actually is, does it mean things that are on tv, and media and these are the things that we are taught to think are what we should be buying and listening to? it seems to me like tv, is , really horrifying. i wasn't really aware of how many people watched it, but upon meeting more people in the city and asking them about tv, i noticed that pretty much everyone goes home and watches it after they are done work and becomes obssessed with shows and put things on hold in the lives in order to watch it. i wonder, what comes out of watching tv that is a charge or high? i think that sometimes it is fun to watch a movie and consider taking outon the adventure that the charector was doing in the movie. but i can't imagine actually just sitting for hours and hours and watching sometthing taht ou are no partaking in.
it is curous that words and sounds form together to make words. like each little thing that i press has a meaning, and a sound that you say when it is on the screen or paper.
i wonder why people have prejudice again'st people that have different ways to say things, different languages, its really just a different art. ive been thinking about that a lot lately because i noticed that sometimes there is strange feelings people get about "religons" being different from theirs.. and it is strange to me because it is all the same thing, it just has a different name because someone likes to turn their pen a different way when they write it out.
ive been learning briefly about religous groups burning "witches" in times past. i wonder why they did that, i wonder why they thought that it was a bad thing. i wonder if these women actuall did anything that was morally wrong, or if they were just practicing making medicines with herbs, or healing people and then these men and women got jealous of them because they coudln't do it ? what was that all about?
Monday, December 28, 2009
how do you stalk boats?
i feel so lonley becuase now all i ever do is work. i miss my adventuring days. i am so sad reading those blogs because that was so much fun and always an adventure, i guess i need to just start having them again but i dont know how because im ALWAYS WORKING?! waht the fuck
how do people do full time jobs their whole lives?! god i just dont get it. i like my job, thats the thing, but idont like it as much as being free. at least i guess i am proud i am going to stay there long enough to be able to get enough money for traveling this summer until may or june.
maybe i just feel this way because i miss my boyfriend alot, its so lame that he is even my boyfriend right now i think having someone to miss just makes me feel more lonley then if i just was having sex with him and then he went away for a little while then i can have other boyfriends all the time. its just very frusterating to me because i dont know which way to go like.. do i wait for the best sex of my life for weeks for one week of bliss? or throw it all away for moderatly good sex with strangers all the time?!
i dont know.
i am so confused and frusterated.
damn.
i have such a cool job and live in such a cool place, what is wrong with me? why am i unhappy? i think i just miss my loves.
that has to be it.
how do people do full time jobs their whole lives?! god i just dont get it. i like my job, thats the thing, but idont like it as much as being free. at least i guess i am proud i am going to stay there long enough to be able to get enough money for traveling this summer until may or june.
maybe i just feel this way because i miss my boyfriend alot, its so lame that he is even my boyfriend right now i think having someone to miss just makes me feel more lonley then if i just was having sex with him and then he went away for a little while then i can have other boyfriends all the time. its just very frusterating to me because i dont know which way to go like.. do i wait for the best sex of my life for weeks for one week of bliss? or throw it all away for moderatly good sex with strangers all the time?!
i dont know.
i am so confused and frusterated.
damn.
i have such a cool job and live in such a cool place, what is wrong with me? why am i unhappy? i think i just miss my loves.
that has to be it.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
hammocks and palm trees
well, life is good to say the least.
im here at eckerd college in st. petersburg to read, learn and get some sun. i thought vcu was awsome, so is this place. literally, they have yellow bikes laying everywhere for anyone to use for any period of time to get whereeeeverr you want. there is a beach, hamocks, palm fron shacks. and then a library to top it all off!? awsome!??!?!?!??!?!??! alyssa gave me a tent so that when i decide to bike out to the island where all the nature is i have a place to sleep in other then... the sand. lol. i am loving life right now so much. i have an awsome book alyssa also gave me about a female nomad who travels alone... sounds pretty intresting... haha. im going to take a bellydancing class in an hour, taht should be great.
st petersburg is awsome. i love it so much. alyssa and natalie made me feel sooo welcome and showed me around town. we went to a great coffee shop last night, friday night we went to a halloween party that i wore one of alyssas middle eastern headresses to... and there was sooo many little treats and snacks everywhere. yummms! we checked out some old graveyards, went to the beach.. learned a little about the history of the town which is so intresting.. and chatted all morning drinking coffee and eating omletsssss yesss!
well, im off to go maybe play some volleyball and laze in the hamocks.....
im here at eckerd college in st. petersburg to read, learn and get some sun. i thought vcu was awsome, so is this place. literally, they have yellow bikes laying everywhere for anyone to use for any period of time to get whereeeeverr you want. there is a beach, hamocks, palm fron shacks. and then a library to top it all off!? awsome!??!?!?!??!?!??! alyssa gave me a tent so that when i decide to bike out to the island where all the nature is i have a place to sleep in other then... the sand. lol. i am loving life right now so much. i have an awsome book alyssa also gave me about a female nomad who travels alone... sounds pretty intresting... haha. im going to take a bellydancing class in an hour, taht should be great.
st petersburg is awsome. i love it so much. alyssa and natalie made me feel sooo welcome and showed me around town. we went to a great coffee shop last night, friday night we went to a halloween party that i wore one of alyssas middle eastern headresses to... and there was sooo many little treats and snacks everywhere. yummms! we checked out some old graveyards, went to the beach.. learned a little about the history of the town which is so intresting.. and chatted all morning drinking coffee and eating omletsssss yesss!
well, im off to go maybe play some volleyball and laze in the hamocks.....
Friday, October 23, 2009
LOL oooh greyhound
lol i dont even know where to begin. lets start with i am in st petersburg FL and its fuckkinng beautiful.
i left richmond on the bus to orlando then clearwater.
after a night of being stalked by crazy men,moving seats every hour because i would keep waking up to some strange jamacian man STARING AT ME IN THE SEAT NEXT TO ME ??!?! listening to strangers hooking up in the seat behind me last night... it was a crazy night, but nothing... NOTHING.. can compare to today in orlando. LOLOLOLOL
i arrived in orlando with the intent of sneaking onto the keywest bus. well, i got kicked off.. twice.
i decided to just go with origanl destination of getting to clearwater to make things easier.
i met a lady who had been living out on the streets for 7 days, because her and her husbands car had broke down outside the greyhound on the way to detriot. well, last night i guess he went around to look for some mones to steal out of cars and got caught, leaving her with only herself because.. WHOOPS? he had 3 felony warrents out for his arrest. hes going to be locked up for about 4-6 years. well, we got some coffee and i shared some tips about sneaks.
next, i met two sisters from northern fl.
what follows is what i sent shalane via text as it was happening:
ok... i am officially in the deep south. this story is a play by play of what i am witnessing right now. no joke.
two sisters who are very hot, but trashy met this guy in orlando who is not hot.. but young. everyone has deep southern accents.
we get on the bus. the blonde sits next to the guy. the bathroom door keeps flying open and the smell of piss and shit fills the bus. i get up and tie the door closed with a string.
i notice the sisters are cutting up straws and cutting powder. i wonder what they are snorting. i wonder, if they will share.
a few mins lafter i hear them screaming at the young man and laughing telling him to snort the meth and take the oxy cotin
relectantly, he agrees. ten mins later -now- the blonde proclaims the wants to "suck his cock"
that is what she is doing RIGHT NOW. in front of the WHOLE BUS. LOLolOOLOL
lol and the best part about this is, while this is all going on, the couple behind them starts to have FULL BLOWN SEX.
ooohh akward momemnts on the greyhound.
i get dropped off in st petes... well kicked off rather, and i am staying with alyssa and natalie, across from the high school jim morrison went to ....
ahhhh.. it was all worth it for the stalking i am going to do tomarrow :)
i left richmond on the bus to orlando then clearwater.
after a night of being stalked by crazy men,moving seats every hour because i would keep waking up to some strange jamacian man STARING AT ME IN THE SEAT NEXT TO ME ??!?! listening to strangers hooking up in the seat behind me last night... it was a crazy night, but nothing... NOTHING.. can compare to today in orlando. LOLOLOLOL
i arrived in orlando with the intent of sneaking onto the keywest bus. well, i got kicked off.. twice.
i decided to just go with origanl destination of getting to clearwater to make things easier.
i met a lady who had been living out on the streets for 7 days, because her and her husbands car had broke down outside the greyhound on the way to detriot. well, last night i guess he went around to look for some mones to steal out of cars and got caught, leaving her with only herself because.. WHOOPS? he had 3 felony warrents out for his arrest. hes going to be locked up for about 4-6 years. well, we got some coffee and i shared some tips about sneaks.
next, i met two sisters from northern fl.
what follows is what i sent shalane via text as it was happening:
ok... i am officially in the deep south. this story is a play by play of what i am witnessing right now. no joke.
two sisters who are very hot, but trashy met this guy in orlando who is not hot.. but young. everyone has deep southern accents.
we get on the bus. the blonde sits next to the guy. the bathroom door keeps flying open and the smell of piss and shit fills the bus. i get up and tie the door closed with a string.
i notice the sisters are cutting up straws and cutting powder. i wonder what they are snorting. i wonder, if they will share.
a few mins lafter i hear them screaming at the young man and laughing telling him to snort the meth and take the oxy cotin
relectantly, he agrees. ten mins later -now- the blonde proclaims the wants to "suck his cock"
that is what she is doing RIGHT NOW. in front of the WHOLE BUS. LOLolOOLOL
lol and the best part about this is, while this is all going on, the couple behind them starts to have FULL BLOWN SEX.
ooohh akward momemnts on the greyhound.
i get dropped off in st petes... well kicked off rather, and i am staying with alyssa and natalie, across from the high school jim morrison went to ....
ahhhh.. it was all worth it for the stalking i am going to do tomarrow :)
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